Life & Work By Design Blog

I hope all of you have enjoyed a Thanksgiving celebration of some kind.  For so many families, this holiday is done in the same way every year down to who sits where at the table, and which cook will contribute each item.  I was part of a group that did that for 18 years. 

But in the last 5 years or so, my traditions have changed.  With a series of weddings, divorces, births, moves etc., the players have been re-arranged and new possibilities have opened up.  Each year has meant a new setting, some new faces around the table, and even new menu items. 

One year, I joined my daughter and about 10 of her friends in New York City for an international dinner.  She and I provided the turkey and mashed potatoes and everyone else brought a holiday dish from their country - about 5 nationalities were represented.  It was not only good food, but a great cultural learning experience for everyone. 

This year all of my immediate family traveled to the retirement center where my Father resides.  We shared a wonderful meal in the dining room there much to the delight of my Dad and many of his friends and acquaintances.  The great-grandchildren actually behaved pretty well and the seniors enjoyed just having them around.  Due to long distances, this was the first year in many that I and my children, my brother and sister-in-law, and our Dad were together.  It was such a treat!

In a recent post I discussed climbing out of our ruts. This holiday gathering was just another indication that we can make changes in our lives.  Even something as sacrosanct as a family celebration can be changed and even improved. 

We are creating new holiday traditions in our family - a tradition of openness to possibilities and creative change that benefits all involved.  

How about the traditions in your life?     Maybe it’s time to create new ones…….  

The question used to be What do you want to be when you grow up? But now you are all grown up, and like it or not, you are coming face to face with yet another new phase of your life. We haven’t come up with a good name for this yet. It is the time between 50 and 80 years of age when many people are continuing to work either because they need to financially or because they want to emotionally. It is *a new phase* between middle age and old age.

There are many new terms for it - Second Acts, Encores, Middleage-less, and My Timers are some examples. The concept of finally retiring and doing nothing except to play golf and move to a sunny place is fading quickly.

From the store greeter to the head of a philanthropic foundation, experienced, wise and energetic seniors are affecting our economy and society in myriad ways every day. For many, the big difference is that they are finding wonderful things to do that

• bring them joy
• fulfill a long-held dream
• make a meaningful contribution to their community
• use a newly discovered talent (or a long hidden one)
• or are just plain fun to do.

Marc Freedman, author of Encore: Finding Work That Matters in the Second Half of Life, presents the theory that this infamous group of us who are approaching the classic retirement age are capable of considering many new possibilities for work that can tackle some of society’s major problems and actually create positive change in this country in the next 20 or 30 years.  Whether we continue to work for others, start our own businesses, or develop non-profit organizations, we can make work that is good for us and the world around us.

There are no rules for this gap stage of our lives and we are free to write our own stories now.  As a member of this group, I find this exciting and challenging.  I will be creating a separate section on my web-site for the “boomers” and developing some ideas for tele-classes and workshops to help you find ways to live this part of life to the fullest.  Stay tuned…….

Remember my story about the Mom and Grammy who invented the Bib-A-Roo that actually keeps babies clean? Well, StartUp Nation http://www.startupnation.com/home-based-100/80/8954/winner.htm held a contest for home-based entrepreneurs and Jeanne and Leslie’s business won the most popular votes!  Just goes to show that when a good idea hits you, you shouldn’t ignore it.  Go back and read the story - they started on one sewing machine making one bib at a time just a couple of years ago. These two are really just getting going!  Check out their web-site for more information and to see their great ideas.  http://lildarlins.org

Is it really almost Thanksgiving again?  I used to dread this holiday.  Oh, I love turkey, cranberries and pumpkin pie, but it is also the beginning of the end of the year.  And that would bring the realization that I was still in the same old rut.

 Same old boring work…..same old miserable marriage…..same old place where I didn’t belong.

But it’s so hard to make changes to life. And it’s scary.  And there are so many things to consider. And there is never enough time to just be quiet and think about it all. 

 Have you been there?         Are you there now?       What are you doing about it?

Let me tell you what I did.  I suddenly knew that I just couldn’t keep getting up every day in that house, in that town, to go to that office.  I took off on a two week vacation much to everyone’s surprise. I was a mother of two teenagers, an owner of a business, and an involved member of the community. 

I just left and went to a family summer home by myself. I spent my days on the shore of the lake, on a sailboat, and walking miles through the countryside thinking. Sometimes I would speak my thoughts aloud to myself, to the animals, to the wind.  Sometimes I screamed at the heavens.

I bought a notebook and started writing down all my feelings.  The frustrations, resentments, disappointments, lost dreams and anger came spilling out.  Then a funny thing happened. Once I had emptied my bad feelings onto those pages the courageous, rational and independent person I used to be started to emerge. I remembered, and believed, that I was a smart, capable and caring woman who had a lot to offer the world.

By the time I left, I had made up my mind my life would be different. I identified five areas of conflict that I needed to work on. These were not small things. They were large challenges, and I knew I could not fix them overnight, but I went home with a new resolve to expand and grow. That year (1997) I started to climb out of my rut. 

I’m writing this now because I recently found that notebook.  I actually had forgotten about it. I’ve shredded most of it.  Those days are long gone and I’ve always believed that we have to look forward, never back. But I was startled by the page with the five challenges on it.

I had never looked at it again, but over the course of the past 10 years, I have accomplished every one of them.  It took me 2 years to resolve the business ownership problems (I sold out to my partner); it took another 4 to decide that the marriage could not be saved (I left); it took another 3 to move to the place where I belong (back home to PA); and another year after that to finally launch Life and Work By Design (my dream work).

So what is the moral of the story?  Positive change takes determination, planning, self understanding and time. Whatever it is you are struggling to change, you can do it too. You can climb out of your rut a little bit at a time. Make this year different.

            make the time…..take the time…. stop losing time!

In the foreword to her book, The Right Words at the Right Time, Marlo Thomas relates an incident from her young adulthood when she finally got her first acting role but all the reviewers failed to comment on her performance, choosing instead to compare her to her famous father. Although she loved her father dearly and admired him immensely, at that point in her life she wanted to be herself and told him she wanted to change her name.

Her father’s answer to that request was, “I raised you to be a thoroughbred. When thoroughbreds run they wear blinders to keep their eyes focused straight ahead with no distractions, no other horses. They hear the crowd but they don’t listen. They just run their own race. That’s what you have to do. Don’t listen to anyone comparing you to me or to anyone else. You just run your own race.”

Whether the voices come from within or from others, we frequently fall into the trap of comparing ourselves and deciding that we come up short.  All those comments like:

He did it better.. You don’t know what you are doing…That will never work… I’m too old to start over …. 

Someone else has already done it…You don’t have enough experience… I can’t make enough money at this

We allow ourselves to be so vulnerable at times. We work hard toward a goal we believe in, but when the plan doesn’t go just the way we thought it would, we start backing away and doubting ourselves. Well, guess what - the plan will never go the way you thought it would. A good competitor feels the changes in the track and knows when to make adjustments.

So “straighten up” as my grandmother used to say. For many reasons, you are deciding to enter the race to build an ideal life that will be good for you and all around you. You have left the starting gate - this is not the time to slow down. Believe in yourself and do it your way.

 Make this the motto on the bathroom mirror this week:

 RUN YOUR OWN RACE!!