Life and Work by Design Blog

Wow - pay attention - this is your Mother speaking!  When that popping in your ears and the scratchy little cough doesn’t go away after a couple of weeks, do something about it!   I’m the queen of the, “Oh it will get better by itself” club so when the flu I had a month ago dragged on in a slightly annoying way, I ignored it.  But after a couple of scary episodes of dizzyness and almost fainting, I took myself to the doctor.

Turns out I have a deep-seated viral congestion in my sinuses and lungs and it still makes me very tired.  So now I’m taking a vast assortment of things for at least 10 days to get rid of it.  They are starting to help though, so I’m going to work diligently to catch up with my blog posts and newsletters.    Take care of yourselves out there…

After nine weeks at CHQ, Dad was very ready to return to his retirement home, friends and familiar routines by the first of September so I took him back to Pittsburgh and then returned to the lake house for a week of peaceful aloneness with just a dash of fun with some friends and neighbors there.

The weather that had been chilly and damp all summer suddenly turned absolutely gorgeous and I thoroughly enjoyed long walks, blueberry picking, hiking in a nearby ancient forest and late night forays to watch the International Space Station and the US Shuttle race across the starlit sky. It was so great that I was easily persuaded to stick around for a second week.

My first class (a workshop I’m teaching on Don’t Retire; Re-Inspire! was scheduled to start on the next Tuesday so I had to leave no later than Sunday. It was with regret that I packed up the cottage and shut everything down for the winter there.

My son called while I was driving home and offered to feed me dinner if I came to their house for a reunion with the grandsons so I looked forward to a fun evening. About an hour after I arrived however I received a phone call that my Dad had been taken to the ER with abdominal pains. His doctor called the next morning to report a gallbladder attack and impending plans to do surgery to remove it.

Even though this is a simple procedure these days, any medical intervention for a 93 year old has serious implications so I taught my first class and then drove straight back 5 hours worth of turnpike to be with him.

Four days of sitting in a hospital, and all that entails started to really take the edge off my end of summer serenity. After getting him back to his home and arranging for help from the assisted living team there, I headed back to my own home feeling more exhausted than I’ve felt in a long time.

By yesterday, I realized that I wasn’t just tired – a fever, sore throat and throbbing headache let me know that I am now sick with some sort of flu – I really don’t care at the moment which one it is.

So I’ve had to cancel my class tonight and am confined to quarters on a liquid diet laced with Tylenol and decongestants. Seems to be some sort of payback for taking that two-week vacation…..hmmm

But, that is life, isn’t it? No matter how well we plan or what we intend, sometimes life just gets in the way. Many of us have gotten to an age where if one of the kids doesn’t need something, one of the parents might.

That doesn’t mean we shouldn’t work on our dreams or do things for ourselves – it does mean that we need to be prepared for a change of plans and remember to keep a sense of humor. And sometimes be prepared to pay for the good times….

OK, so those of you who are regulars have noticed that the blog posts have been really rare this summer and now the September newsletter is at least one week late.   What’s going on?   Where’s Jane?  A couple of people have even expressed concern for my health and welfare.   Well here’s the deal…

Remember when you were a kid and the first day of school loomed sometime around Labor Day and there was just no avoiding it?    Then as adults, some of us became teachers and we actually had to go back at least one week earlier in order to be ready for the students to appear.  Well, this year, I just decided that I was not going “back to school” on time.  I wanted to stretch it as long as I could.

I mean, I am 62, semi-retired and gosh darn it, I want to be lazy and unmotivated for a while!

Once again I spent the summer with my 94 year old Father at our family’s summer place on a lake in Western NY state.  It is located in a resort of sorts where the days are super-scheduled with interesting lectures from well-known public figures, writers, politicians and scientists.  In addition, there are musical and theatrical performances every night and in-between you can choose to take a course on anything that interests you in a catalog of hundreds of classes.   And then there is sailing, golf, tennis and just plain sitting on the porch. (If you want to know more the website is below.)

For those of us who are curious and life-long learners  it is a dream vacation, but after nine weeks of constant intellectual challenges and cultural experiences, I was ready for a rest.  I took Dad back to his retirement home and decided to settle in for two weeks of peace and quiet and just plain doing nothing that I didn’t want to.  From endless walks in the woods and along the shoreline to spending a couple of rainy days just swinging on the porch and reading an entire books at one sitting, it has been heavenly.

In between, I’ve read all of my favorite writers’ blog posts, re-read Barbara Winter’s newly revised book (see previous post), investigated numerous web-sites devoted to Boomer lifestyles and soaked it all up like a sponge.  I was determined not to think the words, “I haven’t got time for this…”   I just took the time.

One of my favorite hangouts in Chautauqua County is The Book Store - a used book Shangri-la.   I picked up a bagful of good reads the other day and one of them is by my favorite columnist and commentator on  American life, Anna Quindlen.  She says,  “Downtime is where we become ourselves, looking into the middle distance, kicking at the curb, lying on the grass or sitting on the stoop and staring at the tedious blue of the summer sky.”    She is talking about kids today who never have time to stop and just be who they are, but one of the reasons our kids are like that is because we, as adults, are like that.

We are over-programmed, over-scheduled, and over-entertained with constant TV, Ipod music, email and internet news stories.  We leave no time to just BE and then we wonder why we are so hassled, hurried and frantic all the time.

Now that I’ve had my two weeks I feel calmer and I have thought through some of my goals for the fall and revised my business plan.  I know everyone cannot just pack up and go somewhere - I am indeed fortunate to have this haven to retreat to.  But, I have resolved to take at least a couple of hours a day once I’m home to just be quiet in some way. 

Walking in the park while thinking qualifies as multi-tasking I believe.  I’m going to try to perfect my ability to do that and hope you can too.   You might be surprised at the ideas that occur to you once you allow your mind to just roam through nothingness if even for only 30 minutes a day. Try stretching your vacation a little…

The website for The Chautauqua Institution is http://www.ciweb.org

Well, it is now Friday of sailing lessons week and my class of 8 women will celebrate our success this week with a long sail on a much larger boat this afternoon.

After my fiasco on Monday (see previous post), I asked to spend the rest of the week on a larger boat where I could concentrate on learning the mechanics of rudder and sail and jib without the constant fear of capsizing. The staff accommodated me even though that is not how they normally teach this class.

Falling in the water was not the problem. It was the realization that I no longer have the agility or upper body strength to turn the boat back over and haul myself back aboard.  If there had been a videocam out there on Monday, I would win the America’s Funniest Videos contest hands down! Moral of the story - #1 start doing some strength training, and #2 don’t let the physical effects of aging stop you from doing what you want to do - find a way.

So after three days of tacking, reaching, beating and running (all different positions of the sail), I know that I can now rent a small craft at the lake at home and enjoy an afternoon of sailing and that was my goal.

The amazing thing about this class was to watch 8 women, most of whom had never sailed, master all the new skills they needed over the course of the week.  On Monday, we were all going every which way and I was not the only one to capsize.  On Tuesday, we were still pretty scattered and, due to a very cloudy, gusty day, some of the girls did not want to go back out when we gathered on Wednesday.

But the instructors were encouraging and firm and the weather turned lovely and all eight of us had a good fun day finally beginning to understand what we were supposed to do.  We pretty much stayed together and followed the course and returned to shore 2 hours later with smiles.

Yesterday, you could just feel that everyone felt much more confident and were determined to go out and get it right.  And it worked.  We all sailed in a group, followed the course and returned to the dock with no incidents.  It was a real moment of triumph! They all said that everything they had learned just clicked together in their brains at once.

The instructors said that they love watching this happen.  Every group, regardless of age or experience, goes through the same process. In the course of just 4 days they overcome fears and insecurities and push themselves beyond their previous limits to experience something new and thrilling.

My brother and sister-in-law are arriving on Monday for a few days and I can’t wait to go out with them.   He’s a long-time sailor and probably won’t notice, but I know that I’ll feel much more confident and sure  than I’ve ever been as his crew and maybe he’ll let me take over for a while.       Mission accomplished!

This is too good to pass up.   You know how I’m always encouraging all of you to step out of your rut to try something new or learn something different or just get out there and do something fun?  

Well, I’m going to set a good example this week by taking a refresher sailing class.  I’ve always sailed several times a year with family and friends, but I’m usually part of the crew and just follow directions.  

I want to learn how to sail myself and to understand the theory and practice.  It’s a five day class and yesterday was the first lesson.   Yes, I am the oldest in the class by about 20 years - 4 20-somethings and 3 40-somethings.  But, hey I can do this. After an hour or so of classroom explanations of boat parts and wind dynamics, we put on our life vests and proceeded to the dock.  For the first lesson we would each sail a Sunfish with the staff circling us in a power boat to help out or rescue if need be.   

Now, I sailed one of these tiny little boats when I was a youngster here and I remembered it as a real thrill.  There is no better way to learn the relationship of wind and sail - there is just one small sail and a rudder.  This was going to be fun!    

What I failed to realize is that I’ve grown a lot since I was twelve and in order to sail one of these little crafts, I would have to stay bent over most of the time in order to see where I was going without getting whacked in the head by the boom.  I also had forgotten the cantankerous winds on this lake and after a great 20 minute straight sail across the water, I attempted to tack back the other direction and promptly capsized when a puff came out of nowhere!  

The sail center staff arrived to help me turn it upright and I set off to try again.  I hate to admit that I ended up in the water a second time about 30 minutes later but I was laughing both times.  Capsizing is a valuable lesson in sailing.   I headed for the dock to end the first lesson very wet and very tired.  But, I’m going back today and I’ll get a bigger boat to play with.    Stay tuned….

One of Stanley Kunitz’s best-loved poems is titled, “The Layers”. I remember reading this in a college lit class but back then it was just one more assignment.  Now that I’ve experienced four more decades of life it has new meaning.   It is a lengthy poem written toward the end of his life that reflects on the passage of time and milestones.

 But this one line, “Live in the layers, not on the litter” really struck home with me when I heard it recited this past week.   Kunitz is a gardener and his reference (I think) is to the process of composting that occurs in nature.  The leaves, twigs and branches fall to the floor of the forest where they decompose to form layer upon layer of rich, loamy soil. The metaphor for life is that all our experiences and life stages - good and bad - litter the forest that is our life and  decompose to create our personal history.

 His directive to “live in the layers” suggests that we accept it all as part of the whole, and don’t let the litter cloud the days ahead of us.  Consider failures, disappointments and challenges along with the successes and  joyful times as part of the soil that supports you.  

Don’t continue to live on the litter, let it become part of the whole.

 To read the complete poem, go to http://tinyurl.com/nyqbqq 

You’d think that by this time I would have realized there’s one thing you can count on – something changing when you least expect it.

My life was in pretty good order finally.

Comfortable, affordable place to live in a walking community
Proximity to my children, the grandkids and my Dad
Wonderful circle of fun, interesting and supportive friends
Good health and a relatively stress-free life
Work that challenges and excites me

That’s what I set out to create almost 10 years ago – it’s been a challenging journey and an exercise in learning and growing that I’m glad I embarked on.  And for the last year or so, I have been feeling very settled and happy with my lot in life.

But something was missing and I knew it but I wasn’t ready to work on that part yet.  I was still perfecting just being an authentic me – I couldn’t imagine another person’s place in this new life.

Ah, but the Universe conspires for our best interests  - we just fail to notice sometimes.

He is an acquaintance from 4 years ago -a connection that was lost - but call it what you will, Fate laughed and walked him right back into my life.   And this time I couldn’t’ help but pay attention.

I did an exercise with some friends a while back of describing my idea of a perfect soul mate complete with a physical description.  I really did think about what kind of person I would want to share my life with and described his traits, interests, talents and physical appearance.

You know that old adage, be careful what you wish for?   Well, if you doubt the power of setting intentions and visioning, I suggest you think again.  If you read that “letter to the universe” and met my “Sweetie” you would be astounded!

So I’m learning to adjust again.  Learning to set boundaries on my work hours to allow time to share part of my life.  Learning to juggle priorities to include kids, grandkids, a parent and a romance.  Learning to just let myself be in a moment and to focus on another person.      Lovely……

Whew - I think the facelift is complete now.  You know how when you decide to paint the dining room, that leads to painting the hallway which leads to new floors which leads to….. ?  Well  along with re-writing some of my web-site pages to reflect my new workshop for the Over 50 crowd, my friend Diana suggested a logo facelift so with the help of David Waselle, Life and Work by Design now has a clean, fresh new look!    And as always, KC at Website Solutions managed to make it all work together.   Thanks all!  I hope everyone likes the final result.

In addition, my monthly newsletter has been re-named Living My Way.   I am very interested in helping my clients manage all the parts of their lives and have wanted to write more about how my generation is going to “live” in the next 20 years or so whether they “work” or not.   So you will notice some subtle changes in my blog posts and newsletter articles.

My original Dreamer’s Dialogue, based on the ChangingCourse.com curriculum, is still available for those who want to find their passion to fuel their next career.  And Valerie has just announced a new self-study program that I’ll tell you more about tomorrow.

My new workshop is called, Don’t Retire; Re-Inspire! and there are 2 hour introductory seminars being offered in the Philadelphia area in April.  In addition, I am putting the finishing touches on a full day weekend workshop that will explain strategies and teach processes for balancing the life choices that make up your active retirement.  This is based on the Too Young to Retire book by Howard and Marika Stone.

I’d love to take this one on the road, so watch for more information and gather a group of at least 10 people so I can bring it to your town.

Please go visit the website home page to read about the new programs and check the Services page for the seminar schedule.

And now, since I finished one day ahead of schedule,  I’m going to give my eyes, my fingers and my computer a rest for the evening and go have dinner with a tall, good-looking guy who is the best thing that’s happened to me in a long time!

I had a panic attack of sorts yesterday.   You know the feeling – all of a sudden, out of the blue, those internal thoughts start pitching a tantrum that can make even the best of us throw in the towel.

I had decided to spend this whole week planning my marketing for the next 6 months complete with newsletter topics, blog ideas, and tele-class subjects.  A big bite for sure.

I know that the best way to get the ideas flowing is to “crawl into my cave” by keeping the e-mail closed and the phones turned off for several hours at a time so I can immerse myself in tasks like this.

And then it happened……I stopped for lunch when all of a sudden this monster from nowhere jumped in and said, “Who do you think you are?   What makes you such an expert?  There’s no way you can increase your business that much in one year!”     Wow – instant paralysis!

For the next 30 minutes or so, I truly wrestled with my mind going back and forth with thoughts like “taking a job would be so much easier” and  “no way, I’ve got too much invested in this business to quit now.”

How did I stop this argument?  I went back to my original mission statement to remind myself what this is all about.

I coach men and women over 50 who want to create a bigger, better life for their second act that fulfills a dream, rewards their soul or pays something back to their community. 

You see, I am a believer, an optimist (even now) and I just HAVE to work at helping others – it’s in my DNA.

So I rang the gong on that wrestling match, went for a walk in the snow, and then got back to work.     It happens to all of us every once in a while.  So don’t give in when it happens to you.   Go back to the great idea you started with, gather your confidence and start in again.    If I can do it, you can too!

Do you have a story of the “no” monsters plaguing you?   Share it in a comment here ….

It doesn’t take a whole lot to make me happy when it comes to food.  Although I’ve learned to enjoy lots of different ethnic dishes and styles of food, there are still some old favorite comfort foods that I just can’t resist.  Homemade macaroni and cheese, Campbell’s tomato soup, and cinnamon toast are some things I reach for when I am sick, tired or just plain homesick for the meals and memories of my childhood.

For many years I spent holidays with in-laws who insisted on making a “chiffon” version of pumpkin pie.  Now I don’t want to insult anyone who prefers that recipe, but it’s just not pumpkin pie to me.  So, this year, I get to go to my daughter-in-law’s family dinner for Thanksgiving and I just pulled my contribution out of the oven.    Aaaaaah….. the spicy aroma of real pumpkin pie is wafting throughout the house.   I’m so happy…….

Thank you to all of you - clients, workshop students and loyal readers who continue to energize me in this wonderful career.  Please take time to think about all the things you have to be thankful for , and whether you are a party of 2 or a table of 20, tell those around you that you appreciate their company while you enjoy your favorite foods.      And if you live outside the US, I hereby give you permission to over-eat tomorrow along with me!